(https://askalokda.org/so-what-to-do-when-your-nears-ones-have-turned-hostile-should-you-take-it-as-ma-has-placed-them-in-your-life-so-you-could-show-them-some-light-or-let-them-be-tough-call-right-conti/) Referring from your answer on hostile forces – it resonates with my life so much. I have stopped interacting with those people and my life literally changed – I have clarity, positivity, and less emotional drama. But these thoughts haunt me from time to time…
It is difficult to speak for an individual as the reason differs from person to person. But in general, one can say that the hostile forces have been allowed to ensure that eventually nothing is left out of the intended perfection. But the problem is that they raise a Himalaya over a sand dune and inflict a sense of futility and hopelessness on the seekers on the path of Perfection or Truth. Of course, there is always something to learn and grow; there is no limit to the possibilities of evolution. But these things can be developed much better through humility and aspiration than contact with the hostile forces that derail and fill the seeker with doubt and discouragement more than anything else.
(Follow-up Question:)
(b) By cutting off from them, did I deprive their children of having an uncle or aunt in their lives? The thought that I saw them as toddlers and perhaps I will have no idea how they will be when they grow up. Even if things don’t work -why couldn’t the process have been harmonious, considering the emotional bonds we had- so what is real?
I have started questioning the whole setup of Indian family systems and the entanglements. Have we been deluding ourselves about our pride in family systems? From my experience abroad, despite the so-called broken family structures, I feel that at least there is more freedom and more harmony and perhaps, we only have pride about family without substance, just from my experience and the stories I hear from my peers.
I find this system is flawed, leaving individuals really traumatized. It is very heartwrenching to know that children were subjected to so much pressure during formative years and it extends into adulthood. How did I miss it when I was growing up? I was the person who really believed family is everything! Was my parents’ generation flawed as well and they didn’t notice?
I firmly believe that’s why we are not as innovative in technology, or not living our full potential, because of all the stress and drama! My voice of reason says India was struggling then, morally and economically, so they never had the chance to question or change the system. Perhaps, they never got the time to see the picture fully, while I have the time, technology and resources to learn and become aware and mend my ways and make peace with this whole generational thing.
Quite so. One cannot compare a nation subject to foreign invasions for over a millennium with another nation that was invading and ruling, often plundering others for hundreds of years. The joint family and common meal, saanjha choolha, had their advantages, but they did not allow the full emergence of the individual. In the West, it has been the other way around, especially following the Renaissance, but the disadvantage has been missing out on the meaning and evolution of the collective life.
(Follow-up Question:)
(c) The point of trying to change them. The resentment I carry that I didn’t speak up or protect people I cared about comes up now and then. I wonder if the “wanting them to change” has been masquerading as resentment? Perhaps I thought if I was nicer and stayed close, then they would mend their ways. Clearly, it never worked! Until you had mentioned “changing then,” it never occurred to me! Maybe I was really trying to change people. Otherwise, why would I try to explain or make them understand in vain and repeat the cycle!
One cannot change anyone. This is the saddest lesson of life and in fact, a very sobering one. The only person one can work towards changing is oneself, but this too doesn’t work if we try to change ourselves in accordance with others. We have to discover what we are meant for and change ourselves under the pressure of the inner growth. It takes time, but it is the most authentic and satisfying way to change.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
