But over time, I’ve genuinely grown attached to him. And now, I’m confused about my own emotions—I don’t know if what I feel is love or merely attachment. We are also fundamentally different as individuals. His main aim is to earn a lot of money, get married and settle and although I realized during this relationship that I, too, desired materialistic things, it’s not my lifelong goal, I want something more but don’t know what yet. This realization has left me feeling lost and overwhelmed, and I can’t help but feel that I’ve made a terrible mistake.
He often asks how he can continue being with me when our future is so uncertain. He fears getting hurt, and I can clearly see the pain my actions have caused him. I feel entirely responsible for his suffering, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for the hurt I’ve inflicted. I’m burdened by guilt and struggling to find any peace within myself.
I feel that I deserve to suffer for the choices I made, not him. My heart tells me that I’ve made a mistake that can never be undone, and this thought is tearing me apart.
First thing you need to understand is that nobody is responsible for anyone else. Besides things change, people evolve, relationships shift because nothing is static upon earth. You yourself are no more the same person as you were when you entered into the relationship. As to using someone, well there is a mutual giving and getting in any relationship. Both partners give and receive what they need in a relationship. So it is not that you didn’t give what he was looking for. So guilt etc is out of question. The will to suffer is a perverse thought. It will help none. How much ever your partner may love or desire you he will be most unhappy to be with someone who is suffering or merely doing her duty. The simple truth is that you have changed within, in fact evolved in certain ways and this relationship can no more provide you with the growing needs of your inner self. To continue will only create unhappiness to both and it may be best to understand that the ceiling has reached for this association and perhaps it is in the best interest of both that you move on.
Besides marraige and long term living together is a different thing, a decision that should not be based either on attachment or merely the compulsion of some kind of a duty. The past cannot be the basis of this decision but the future as you see it today. You need to look into that, your true goals, your long term aim of life and see whether the two of you are aligned towards the future or not.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
