I take responsibility for not acting then to stand up for myself, but it hurts when I look at how much it has cost me in my life as an adult and the burning question -why was I not good enough for their love? And worse, they continue to be insensitive and narcissistic.
It hurts especially when one’s own mother can behave like that. No matter what I do, it is never enough! Where do I draw the line between responsibility and saving myself? Can you please share what Mother and Sri Aurobindo have spoken about childhood trauma?
There is no need to blame yourself in any way. Love does not depend upon being good or not being good enough. Love for one’s child, especially, is an instinct, a gift of nature given to all creatures. If someone is unable to love, then the fault lies with the person. Perhaps the person is too selfish and calculating. Perhaps the person himself or herself had an environment where love was lacking. Perhaps the person has had a strained relationship, which is being displaced and projected towards others. Whatever be the reason, it is not your duty to address them. Your first duty, if any, is towards yourself. You must discover your own goals and work towards progress and self-perfection in the way your temperament prompts you. The best service one can give to the world is by developing oneself fully. So focus yourself upon that, on self-development rather than trying to make parents or others happy, which, besides, is impossible. Nobody can make someone else happy. It is a waste of time and effort.
Also know that the Divine Mother loves you and this is all that is needed. Base your life on this truth. Expect nothing from others. Depend only on the Divine Mother and Her infinite Love for everything and you will see how life changes along with everything in it.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
