I felt a sense of electric courage in all my nerves. What’s surprising me is that, being a worshipper of Kali, I’ve still never felt this sense of Courage, because my Devotion for her still felt like I’m still the same old timid being begging Her for some favour and force, but the thought of “I am Brahman” charged me in a way I haven’t felt in years. My doubt is whether this mantra of “I am Brahman” is recommended in this yoga, because I understand there might be psychological subtleties where I’m mistaking an inflation of the vital ego to be a genuine spiritual experience. Swami Vivekananda always insisted on remembering this, if I’m not wrong, but I’ve also seen some gurus condemn it by saying that realised beings have a right to that, and it’s a mistake if others start imitating it. And also, what might be the reason behind me never having had such Courage in my moments of Bhakti, because I feel it’s this timid being in me trying to hold on to something and self-pity in his own weeping weakness, is this a reason why some are averse to Bhakti Marg? I don’t know how to process this because it may be just ego inflation to the point of asking no God for any help or Grace because I myself am Brahman and need no helping hand, I felt something steadfast which I’m very much in need of and even Sri Krishna’s command of abandoning all Dharmas and take refuge in me alone didn’t make me feel this way because I feel it’s still this timid being somehow searching for a word of assurance in worry of his fate…
Yes, the mantra ‘aham brahmasmi’, I am Brahman, may and usually does inflate the ego. The ultimate experience it contains comes after a long time and involves many other things besides. However ego has its own role in life, and discarding the ego prematurely places one at the mercy of all kinds of forces. There is an ego that is ready to defend itself, a rajasic ego, another kind of ego ready to stand up for what is true and beautiful, the sattwic ego of the idealist. These are certainly better than the tamasic ego, which only concedes and gives in quickly in the face of challenges of life. The ego individuality itself must evolve before it is ready for the spiritual life. It is, in fact, safer and easier to grow in courage and strength by reminding yourself that ‘I am a child and a portion of the Divine Mother and hence nothing can touch me or harm me.’ It is what the bhakta aspires for and seeks. I am Brahman implies that I am responsible for whatever happens. It is empowering in a way, the way that the seeker of knowledge takes, especially where the ego is strong and does not want to surrender. But then, if the mantra helps, then perhaps it is needed for you at the moment.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
