I’m going to pour my heart out here. For a number of years I have been out of any relationship, preferring to focus on my own personal goals and spiritual development. Recently, I met a girl with whom I entered into a casual relationship. We were spending a lot of time together, felt mutually happy, had a lot of fun, and had sexual contact as well (although it was not the main component). This thing lasted for only a month, and we both agreed from the start that it could not continue after this month because of our going to separate places. I even warned her from the very beginning that we have to be careful so as not to catch feelings towards each other. She said — yes, it will not happen. However, over time the situation changed. She fell in love with me, told me she never met someone like me, that I made her feel very happy and safe, and so on. I told her we could try to continue our relationship long distance. But personally, I don’t feel the same depth of feelings towards her😬. Nor can I imagine her as my long-term partner because I don’t feel that she is spiritually inclined. (It is important for me to be with someone who shared my aspiration).

I am now stuck in a dilemma. Should I reverse my promise of trying for a long distance relationship and tell her that I am not interested? I know it will break her heart because even on our last day she was crying hysterically telling me that she feels afraid of losing me. And even the thought of telling her these words sends shivers down my spine and pierces deeply into my heart. I don’t think there is a way to tell her openly this without traumatizing her for the rest of her life. The other option is to let the long-term relationship be for a while, perhaps not being overly involved in it, and maybe it will just die out over time? But even then, she already told me that she is ready to go through any difficulty just to save our relationship. The situation just breaks my heart. I did not think that the human heart is such a tender and fragile thing, and how mistaken was I to enter into something without realising the implications of my actions.. Please help me out here, for I am truly lost.

These things happen when we are excessively focused on one aspect or dimension to the exclusion of others, especially the emotional and passionate aspects of our life. Nature however wants us to progress integrally and hence brings us in contact with the neglected aspects of our nature through these events. Once the part or tendency that was asleep is triggered then it cannot be put to sleep easily again. It must go through its own process of evolution before it is ready to change or be dropped out. There is no instantly stop switch or a reverse / delete button in the human mind as perhaps both of you believed. Even if you stop relating with her and cut her off, the tendency that has awakened will find someone else and only mount the suffering and pain. It is therefore much better for you to go through it with a will to purify and refine this part rather than create suffering in her and try to build your spiritual life. 

Yes long distance relationship does offer this possibility these days to work through these feelings without the complex entanglement that marraige brings. If both of you agree to uplift the heart and feelings towards their own spiritual consummation then it may well turn out to be a Grace helping you confront a part of your nature with truth and honesty and carry it along on the road to the spiritual conversion and change. But guilt and shame and torment will not help. A calm resolution and the steady application of will towards the Divine, with love in your heart for the Divine as well as the person towards whom you felt momentarily moved will show you the way. 

Affectionately,

Alok Da