He keeps good relationship with our daughter but keeps distance with me. We are not living together but not even separated. I feel children suffer a lot in all these. Many of my friends have also gone through same situation. Nowadays it’s very easy for people to make relationship out of marriage and they don’t think about their families. Why should children, our parents or the loyal partner suffer just because of the lust and other wants. Please give us guidance on this.
Loyalty in marriage is rarer than we would want to believe. Especially men in all ages have been known to have more than one woman in their life. The way ancient societies tried to work it out was either early marriage or by accepting polygamy and, in some areas, even polyandry. It is not because the person is frustrated with one’s partner, though that is a common excuse given, but partly because of the vital nature that is driven by the urge for newness and change. Partly it is due to the idealistic mind that searches for perfection, including the perfect partner and mate, a thing that doesn’t exist in our present imperfect condition. In fact, if one looks at the mind of men, it is full of filth though the facade of civilisation and manners and good social behavior is often put up. But if one sees the way men and women oogle at actors and actresses and fantasise about them then well, loyalty becomes more of an external ritual without the spirit . Women, on the other hand are more capable of loyalty because unlike men, they seek security and emotional belongingness more than anything else. Now-a-days due to freedom and acceptance of licentiousness, parties and pleasure as a way of life, things are much more in the open.
All this is so that you do not go into feelings of guilt or self-depreciation. It helps if one looks at things from a larger and universal point of view than if we take it as something personal happening to us alone. At the same time we must understand that premarital and extramarital affairs are the symptoms of a larger problem which includes a life driven by money and pleasure where little time is left for each other. Marriage only adds to the unhappiness by bringing additional social pressures and the complexity that follow.
Where does one go from here? Instead of engaging in fights, quarrels and blame games which only pushes two people further away from each other, one should quietly go about discovering one’s own freedom and space and a goal that goes beyond family happiness and the comforts of a married life. Set him free and, in the process claim your own freedom. Most human beings, especially men love to be in a relationship that allows freedom and try to wriggle out where there is a binding. Soon they discover that the other partner has her own imperfections and then they do not risk a stable relationship especially with a child being there, for a relationship that is more in the air. The more you try to bind a man or a woman, the more is he likely to move away from you whereas, the more freedom you allow, the more he or she is likely to appreciate and stay with you. With time, these things go into the backyards of life and what remains is the sweetness and warmth of it all.
Form good memories through travel and common actions, better still a common goal, the pursuit of a higher aim together and the relationship will cement itself. The more beautiful memories you build, the better it grows.
If neither of this is possible then move ahead with the child and find your inner strength and independent goals. Pray to God and He will pull you out of every difficulties through ways and means you cannot imagine.
Meanwhile keep yourself very busy, do physical workouts, read, reflect, meditate, leaving little room for thinking about a man who does not care anymore.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
