It was only about a month or so of knowing him though and he is 4 years younger. I wonder if I will ever find a man to marry and because I am 24 my parents are expecting me to meet someone that is doing well career wise and also because it takes time to develop the relationship. I don’t like the idea of them pushing me but I also do feel lonely. I also don’t feel like putting in effort to look for someone or be open to meeting men because most of the time the ones who they will ask me to meet are not my type (maybe nerdy). I am just being honest that my type is usually not the good guy, and when I found a good guy, he was not the ideal ethnic background for my family’s preference. I feel bad rejecting someone for that. Was I wrong?At the same time, since I do want to get married and have a wedding and all, that means I have to put in effort and be open to meeting people that my parents may bring to me. I think it’s worth it but then I worry about how I will know what’s the right decision. Sometimes I just feel so lost even though I pray to Mother and Sri Aurobindo all the time. How would you say I handle this mental pressure? I do feel fine but other times I get anxious that will I ever find someone and will I even like them? I don’t really want to end up like my parents. They were arranged and I am grateful and all but they definitely have fights and differences, and it would be nice to just not have that type of relationship after seeing it all my life, it’s not something I see myself dealing with. I would rather have someone that is more mature than my dad. I also like being single and having freedom to love myself. At the same time I like when I am with a man and he treats me like a princess because it feels less lonely, like you have a partner to go through life with, a best friend. My parents just want me to look for a man to start dating and get married soon (next few years) and preferably someone they find / approve of, I bet. I bet they would also be open to someone I find but I hate the formality of introducing them, it feels like a chore because I always like people that I feel they wouldn’t like.
I understand your situation. But you must remove certain misconceptions about marraige. There are no ready made partners. Relationships have to be built and it takes lot of time and effort. Whether it be love or arranged marraige, eventually it needs mutual sacrifice to build up things.
Do not be misled by being treated like a princess. These things do not last. Nor do physical looks matter beyond the first immediate impression. Just as animals dance to attract their mates, so too human beings have evolved certain courtship rituals to please until the point of physical intimacy. Don’t give too much importance to it. There is always a difference, often a big difference between having a long distance relationship and living together. Familiarity and living together often leads to the rubbing of egos and observing of real and unreal defects in each other.
While interracial marraiges carry their own charm, the charm of new discoveries, but it also needs more labour to understand each other due to obvious natural differences.
Marraige is not a means to give happiness, – nobody can give us that. Marraige is rather meant to support each other through the journey of life. If the partner understands you, allows sufficient space to grow your own way, has affinities with your taste and tendencies and, above all shares a common goal or a high ideal, then the whole exercise is worthwhile. Otherwise one should be ready for adjustments and sacrifices that may not necessarily be pleasant.
In short tone down your expectations. Discover your own life and higher goals. See the men and if something clicks it is good. But don’t base your happiness upon it. Marraige is one of the things human beings indulge in, largely habitually. It is neither the most important thing nor does one’s life depends upon it. Don’t stress yourself too much about it since no amount of mental analysis or speculation can tell you what the future will look like. Marraiges don’t determine the future. They are only one of the forces that counts. The future is shaped by your inner faith and will-to-be, your ideas about life, your aspiration and actions. It depends upon no one except your own choices. So be clear about what you really want from life. Marraige is, at best by the way, not the way or the goal.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
