But at the same time, on the opposite end, I want to stake everything at the altar of the Mother and I feel guilty. After all, I’m not being decisive totally, because half of my other being is also clinging and craving for all the bourgeois niceties of life…
These longings are normal and natural at your age. There is nothing wrong in going through these aspects of life consciously, offering it all at the Mother’s Feet for purification and with an aspiration that the togetherness with your prospective partner be not just a means of personal pleasure but a means for Her Work and in Her Service. By a change of attitude, these very things and everything else can turn as a means for a growing consecration to the Divine. Instead of stifling them, one can also turn them towards progress by a change of the goal through these things.
Besides, the spiritual life is not something that can be forced upon the entire nature in one go. A progressive regulation of nature, followed by an increasingly intense and sincere effort towards the conquest and change, works best. That is why the ancient advice always holds good. Marry, but not for the sake of satisfying the lower self of ego and desires, but for the sake of the higher Self. Work and earn, but not for the little self but for the sake of using the work, money, position itself in the Divine Service. Of course, it requires that the would-be wife is also turned towards the high ideal. That is the most challenging thing. At the same time, it is true that once the aspiration for the Divine has awakened, one can never be fully satisfied and happy within the framework of ordinary bourgeois life. But sometimes one often learns this through experience. Of course, guilt has no place. Offer these desires, ambitions at the feet of the Divine Mother and let Her organise your life.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
