On more than two occasions during senior-junior meetings, I felt targeted. Usually I am not very affected by peopleโs behaviour, but this time I reacted impulsively and sent a message in our senior-junior group saying that I felt hurt. After that, one of my seniors left the group. Later I apologized to her, and she joined again.
The confusing part for me is that outside these incidents we joke around, talk freely, and things sometimes feel friendly and normal. Then suddenly there are moments of scolding, harsh tone, or anger towards me, and I do not understand this relationship properly anymore or how I should emotionally keep myself within it.
Outwardly things have become normal now. I also offered the whole incident to Maa and tried to leave it there. But internally I still feel a lingering hurt, resistance, and repulsion towards that senior. The difficulty is that I work under them almost 24/7 during residency, so it is not easy to detach mentally or avoid repeated reactions.
Nowadays I also feel my emotional boundaries get blurred very easily. I get affected by their moods, tone, reactions, and emotional states very quickly, especially when I am already physically tired and exhausted. Because of this, even small interactions start affecting me internally much more than before.
Another difficulty is that I cannot behave falsely sweet or nice when my feelings are not genuinely like that inside. Even while apologizing, my heart was not truly humble. One part of me wants to let go sincerely, while another part keeps replaying the hurt and becomes defensive or resistant again.
In any group it is important to know the reason or purpose about why one is joining the group. If it is simply with the idea of conforming to those who have created the group then it is best to ignore what is happening there or pick up things or information only according to your interest. Getting into active personal interactions on a group is generally not advisable as reactions tend to multiply creating emotional overload. Emotional reactions, emotional interactions almost invariably run the risk of creating storms and confusion. One should share one’s feelings with very few, those who will not misunderstand you. Even then emotions often spill over boundaries and can anytime turn into conflict and chaos. Best is to keep one’s interactions to a minimum and keep the emotions under control with the help of reason.
As a thumb rule it is best to avoid display of feelings and strong disagreements publicly. Here is a little practice given by the Mother
‘Most of you live on the surface of your being, exposed to the touch of external influences. You live almost projected, as it were, outside your own body, and when you meet some unpleasant being similarly projected you get upset. The whole trouble arises out of your not being accustomed to stepping back. You must always step back into yourselfโlearn to go deep withinโstep back and you will be safe. Do not lend yourself to the superficial forces which move in the outside world. Even if you are in a hurry to do something, step back for a while and you will discover to your surprise how much sooner and with what greater success your work can be done. If someone is angry with you, do not be caught in his vibrations but simply step back and his anger, finding no support or response, will vanish. Always keep your peace, resist all temptation to lose it. Never decide anything without stepping back, never speak a word without stepping back, never throw yourself into action without stepping back. All that belongs to the ordinary world is impermanent and fugitive, so there is nothing in it worth getting upset about. What is lasting, eternal, immortal and infiniteโthat indeed is worth having, worth conquering, worth possessing. It is Divine Light, Divine Love, Divine Lifeโit is also Supreme Peace, Perfect Joy and All-Mastery upon earth with the Complete Manifestation as the crowning. When you get the sense of the relativity of things, then whatever happens you can step back and look; you can remain quiet and call on the Divine Force and wait for an answer. Then you will know exactly what to do. Remember, therefore, that you cannot receive the answer before you are very peaceful. Practice that inner peace, make at least a small beginning and go on in your practice until it becomes a habit with you.’
As to the ‘Linga Bhairavi’ event they are best avoided by a seeker of the integral yoga. They draw energies and forces that propel people in different directions and do not serve in any way to take us nearer the goal. May be you should attend this time consciously and see if something in you resonates with it.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
