I have just completed my 12th grade… I have been squandering my vital energy ever since I was in the 7th grade. I first learned about Brahmacharya in the 9th grade, yet to this day, I remain unable to practice it. I try—I truly try—but I invariably succumb. I make solemn vows before Mother, yet time and again, I am defeated by this opposing force. Nowadays, I can retain nothing in my memory; whatever I study, I simply forget. My exams are approaching, yet I find I have absolutely no desire to study. A constant sense of fear haunts my mind. Because I repeatedly break the promises I made to Mother, I now feel terrified even to make a new resolve. This opposing force—this Maya (illusion)—creeps in stealthily, manifesting in any guise it chooses. I feel completely broken. Yet, I hold onto the thought that it is solely for the sake of Savitri that I am still standing here today. I write and read Savitri every single day; perhaps it is Savitri herself that grants me the strength to rise again and again after every fall. I do not know whether this belief is right or wrong. Nevertheless, a deep conviction remains within my heart: that no matter what I do, my Mother is always by my side. One day—sooner or later—the Divine Mother herself will surely deliver me from this struggle.
My advice is not to get preoccupied with the issue of strict and absolute sexual control. This is not your age to try these things. Right now you should occupy your mind with studies and games, exercise and learn new things rather than think about sexual mastery. To keep thinking of ways and means to avoid sex is another way of keeping the mind occupied with it. This excessive mental preoccupation can be harmful and even dangerous. Instead, just stay busy, happy and healthy, observe the rule of moderation and balance. Complete sexual abstinence is not an easy thing even for the strongest and the best. It takes time and one has to go about these things gradually.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
