Through my marriage, the Divine turned me into a true aspirant. Earlier, I used to over-explain myself, talk excessively, give advice, and try to fix people.
Since Mother and Sri Aurobindo have come into my life, I feel like a different person altogether. On this path, I am changing completely—my way of working, eating, speaking, relating, everything. At times, a doubt quietly appears: Is this all good? Is this taking me away from human relationships? Yet, deep within, I know with certainty that I belong to the Divine. My conflict arises because when I try to live this truth, people — especially my parents, husband, and in-laws —interfere and say: “No, you should live our way. What is this Aspiration towards the Divine?”
Earlier, I used to call my parents and in-laws every other week. These calls would last for an hour, revolving around gossip, other people’s lives, complaints, expectations about grandchildren, and so on. After each call, I feel pulled down, and it takes a great deal of inner effort by the end of the day to reflect, release, and cleanse myself of what was absorbed. It has become increasingly difficult for me. At the same time, if I don’t call them, fear arises—fear of being judged as a bad daughter or daughter-in-law.
Mother says, “Do not pretend.” So my question is: if I stop calling them — not out of indifference, but because of my own trauma and inner protection — is that the right movement? How does one navigate this space without falsehood, without people-pleasing, and yet without guilt? I recognize that I was a people-pleaser for many years, and by the Mother’s Grace, I am consciously working to undo this pattern. I wish to know how to remain true to the Divine and to myself, while dealing rightly with family expectations.
I would be very grateful for your guidance.
Yes, every seeker on the spiritual path faces this dilemma at some point or the other. By the touch of the Divine Grace, the past ways of life, along with all its associations, begin to first pale away and then eventually drop off, unable to hold the growing new consciousness within the aspirant. But the outer world continues at its own pace and in its own way towards its own small and narrow goals. It creates a kind of dislocation and sometimes even conflicts, leading to a divided state between the newfound inner truth and the outer life of falsehood that keeps pulling and dragging us, leading to an inner tussle.
The thing to be done is to use all these as an opportunity to first grow conscious of what this life is, in which we were so absorbed in at one point. Next, one begins to develop an inner indifference towards it and the people around us. This inner indifference should deepen into calm and equanimity, which equips one to engage with outer life without being affected within. It means that when someone calls over the phone or meets, then instead of being caught up in the conversation, one remains focused on the Mother’s Presence in the heart and speaks only what is necessary. The rest, one simply ignores, just as one ignores the noise all around when one is walking or driving to one’s destination. Naturally, those around will misunderstand, give all kinds of advices because they do not want to lose ‘one of theirs’ who was once, like them, another tool for the play of lower Nature. It is here that one’s sincerity and surrender are put to the test. One continues to be one’s authentic newborn self, ignoring what others think. What begins to matter more and more is one’s inner contact with the Divine, the following and fulfillment of Her Will. This does not mean being cross with anyone or not doing one’s share of work. One should always be in a state of goodwill towards all, knowing the genuine limitations of those who are still caught up in the usual life of desires because they have not yet been ready or responded to the touch of Grace. One can silently pray for them, for all who are around us, that the Grace awakens them to the necessity of change, without, of course, trying to convince anyone outwardly.
After a while, as the inner peace grows, those around begin to sense the change. They feel the goodwill within and slowly accept the new person that you are becoming.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
