Otherwise, the vital influence can easily mislead and distract us from the path into dangerous zones. How should I deal with this fear? One of the things I find it difficult to express lest I sound “like a crazy person” resonated when I read this from you (perhaps hence, multiple emails on the same day).
I have always felt like this has already happened to me and that is why I have episodes of depression and hypomania (one episode of full blown mania when off medications – as I recall, I had stopped medication as an alternative to suicide due to painful events in life but the way I was protected by nothing short of a divine will in those 1-2 weeks or so is something I can never forget. I could have had so much more dire consequences for the risks I took, that episode has changed me forever – sometimes I feel like almost 10 years later I still have not fully recovered from it).
To be honest, this is also why I withdraw from active spirituality out of fear of doing the wrong thing (while perhaps I end up doing them anyway, like an ostrich putting its head in the sand) until reassuring experiences bring me back to it. Mother is so patient with me, which is the only reason I am still here.
The only way I see forward is to work for Her but I do not know how. I have started concentrating for a few minutes every day after my Pondicherry trip. I must admit I am apprehensive that once I settle into new medications, I will get complacent and wreck this practice.
I enjoy listening to your talks and Sraddhalu Ranade’s talks. But sometimes I feel like I have done so many wrong things in life to hinder my spiritual progress and the fear returns and I distract myself with useless things, all the while to hide the existential dread.
Our rights and wrongs are like the scribblings of a child who knows not how to write. The solution is not a paralysing doubt and fear, but slowly, gradually learning how to live anew. This happens as you read and try to put the teachings into practice. The more sincere and truly surrendered we are, the humbler we can become, the sooner we are out of the nightmare and the turbulences of life.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
