I never thought I would feel the kind of safety and assurance I have always felt in Krishna with anyone else, all my life, no matter which idol I was standing in front of, whether it was a Jain mandir or any other holy place, in my mind and heart I only every thought of Krishna and Lord and Mother… There is a part of me that feels as if I am betraying Krishna by leaving his hand and turning to Mahadev.
I understand on a rational and spiritual level that Krishna and Mahadev are not rivals or competitors and one doesn’t need to choose one or the other but emotionally, somewhat childishly, it does feel like I am trusting a stranger over my brother who has been with me my whole life.
The funny thing is there is also a different fabric to what I am feeling for Mahadev. While Krishna is and will forever remain my brother and childhood companion, Mahadev doesn’t feel like that. and yet, he feels safe.
I’m not sure I am able to properly convey the confusion I am feeling but I hope you can understand what I am trying to say.
For a while now I was struggling with this guilt and I truly couldn’t explain or comprehend what to do with it. I could feel this distance but I couldn’t force myself to be with Krishna as I used to. At one point I literally broke down in front of his idol because I couldn’t be with him in the same manner as I used to. I couldn’t speak to him freely like before. It was just so strange. and now as I feel this different kind of ease with Mahadev and it feels like a betrayal to Krishna which makes me question if I am doing something ‘wrong’.
Gods do not act according to human ideas of moral right or wrong. They don’t suffer form jealousies, fears of rejection by devotees, anger etc. If they felt like us they wouldn’t be gods. They act on the basis of an inner truth which they see but the human does not. Here are some lines from Savitri that reveal this truth.
‘The immortal sees not as we vainly see.
He looks on hidden aspects and screened powers,
He knows the law and natural line of things.
Undriven by a brief life’s will to act,
Unharassed by the spur of pity and fear,
He makes no haste to untie the cosmic knot
Or the world’s torn jarring heart to reconcile.
In Time he waits for the Eternal’s hour.’
It is best therefore to go by your deepest truth emerging from within you.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
