I have always been an introverted and insecure person. From childhood, I developed the habit of putting others before myself, even if it meant hurting myself in the process. I constantly overthink—wondering whether others are comfortable with me, whether I have said something wrong, or whether I have unintentionally hurt someone. I struggle to say “no,” and I often sacrifice my own peace just to avoid disappointing others.
My life became significantly harder during the COVID period when my father passed away. He was suffering from blood cancer, and watching his health decline was already painful. What made it more devastating was that my mother repeatedly pressured me not to continue his treatment, telling me to let him die. After his death, I felt completely alone. My maternal uncle visited and said that I must be happy my father had died. When I told my mother about it, she first ignored me, and when I insisted, she said he was right. That moment deeply broke something inside me.
Financially, our situation also became unstable. My father had lent money to his brother and sister, but after his death, they neither returned the money nor fulfilled their promises. They had taken loans using our property as collateral and failed to repay installments on time, which led to threats from the bank. Before my father’s death, his brother had assured him that he would never claim our house. However, after my father passed away, he started claiming a share of the property. My mother pressures me to confront them and recover everything, warning that otherwise she will transfer all responsibilities to me and leave me to handle everything alone. She constantly compares me with other relatives’ sons and uses emotional blackmail to push me.
On top of everything, my mother frequently blackmails me about not earning enough and has, at times, threatened to end her life if I do not comply with her demands. These statements create intense fear and pressure inside me. I have been on medication for depression for the past three months, but I still feel isolated. I have no relatives I can trust, and I avoid sharing these issues with my brother because I am afraid of how he might react.
Throughout my life, I have lived with the constant fear of hurting others. I suppress my own emotions to protect everyone else’s. Now, I find myself afraid to even speak freely, overanalyzing every word, worrying that I might say something wrong and cause pain. I feel trapped between responsibility, guilt, fear, and loneliness, carrying burdens that seem too heavy for one person to bear alone.
I understand that all this has led to a certain degree of suppression and hesitation in your life. What you need is a mentor whom you can trust and who could give you the right advice about the future course of action. Trying to help others is different from trying to please them. The former comes from a large and strong vital nature. The other stems from the need for approval and appreciation. But when we do this, we begin to deviate from our own true nature. Instead of doing things that will make others happy, try to find what you are meant for and do that without fear and with trust in God. All of us originally and always belong to the Divine as His children. We are given to parents only for a short time, to trust them to look after our physical and early emotional needs. Once the mind begins to develop we should connect more and more with our true divine parents. The role of physical parents should reduce as one grows past 15, except for supporting your education. By 21 or at the latest 25, a child should be able to support oneself financially and, if possible, look after the family as well. This does not mean getting a good job or earning big money. One should earn enough to take care of one’s basic needs by taking up an activity that is most aligned with one’s true nature. It should flow naturally from within us.
Yes, your father should not have given away money the way he did. It was a kind of blind attachment to his family of origin. Their deception, etc., must have pained your mother and possibly turned her away for seeking happiness elsewhere. These things are not uncommon. Human beings instinctively seek happiness and if they cannot find it within the framework of their life, then they turn elsewhere. Whether they should or not is a different thing. In any case, it is the choice that parents make. You should not get into their life choices, as each must make their own. They made their choices and their future will open based on that. You must leave your mother to her choices. You are not responsible for what they did. You carve your path with faith in the Divine Grace. Nobody is left alone. The Divine is always with us. We have to seek His help and the help will come.
Now you are an adult and it is time to make your choices and move towards the future. Do not waste time looking at the past. Look towards the future. Do not lament on what you have or do not have. Develop what you want to be. This is the great challenge all must face. Take the baby steps, if not the leap of faith and God will help you in your ventures.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
