I feel many women have this same affliction, especially very sensitive women. If you can share any insights on codependency and its operation on the vital plane, please do. Especially– how to transform a friendship that has been pretty habituated in codependence for a long time and turn it completely to the Divine? I know it is just a term, but it feels like a very real neurosis in women, within their friendships with each other and within their families.
The urge to help, to give, too soon and too much as you say comes from a large and generous vital. It is not necessarily something bad but it does create difficulties in one’s own life and others by fostering a dependency which is not always helpful or healthy. It is actually the obverse side of a good quality. Only it should be offered to the Divine for his instrumentation. Yes stepping back a few moments before rushing to help is a good practice so that the first impulse quietens and fades. Then one can act as one feels deep inside the heart but always in the spirit of offering, keeping oneself behind in the background and never seeking or expecting anything in return. To do something because one is deeply moved about is not so much of a problem as the subsequent attachment that follows. Best is to forget as soon as the deed is done with no attachment to the results that may follow. The persistent practice of this nishkama karma (action without desire for fruits in return) is itself a great purifier. It cleanses the mixture of desire and the egoism of the doer. As to advices, it is best to give only if asked.
Yes, a relationship of codependence can be stifling to spiritual growth as expectations get built up and attachments weave threads around the relationship not always allowing sufficient space for each other’s growth. The way to turn it towards the Divine is to perceive the Divine behind or in everyone with the outer personality as a mask. To turn even the meeting and sharing and caring in a relationship as part of one’s service to the Divine, to give whatever goes through us to the Divine in that person but all without the least expectations from anyone for anything. All our expectations must be from the Divine alone and all we receive through others should be seen as coming from Her and to be offered to Her. It is a subtle inner change, a change of attitude, little more difficult because one is hardly changing anything outside, but with more complete growth in the Yoga. If we do so then whatever needs to be dropped off drops off and whatever needs to continue continues but with a progressive inner change.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
