This never happens anywhere else — not in the ashram, not at home, nowhere else. What is the reason behind this? I was literally even scared of going there because of how sensitive I felt there on many occasions. Sensitive and utterly open, unable to close myself, unable to return to my the concreteness of my physical consciousness. Even my mental consciousness felt vague meditating there — like I know that my mind is not in control at all. I can’t even chant a mantra mentally inside that space for some reason. Only an absolute silence, which makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s not always like that; I had many experiences that were very positive. But sometimes after a negative experience like this hits, I feel out of balance for the next several days. It’s very strange. When I say out of balance, I mean that I become hyper sensitive to any kind of stimulus — I become afraid of making a wrong movement while riding a bike, of saying the wrong thing, of sensing people’s energies on a subtle plane, I become even unsure if the physical world is real, and the last thing I want to do at that stage is sit in meditation. Why?
It is an extremely positive experience, a state of Samadhi. However, the outer consciousness, the ego-self panics out of fear of losing itself. In fact, there is nothing to fear. It is the step towards discovering the true Self. Call the Mother before the Meditation and whenever you feel any panic.
The fact that you are having this kind of experience at your age is a sign that you are not new to the Yoga.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
