It helps me understand a lot of relationships – why my brain couldn’t quite handle super emotional (vital) people throughout my life, and I just ended up ending the relationship rather quickly, even with my own extremely depressed mother, whom I am still struggling with.
I do not subscribe to labels, but I do recognize that my brain processing is different. I feel like the Mother actually has given me this clarity and this answer to help me understand why so many vital relationships felt like they were “too much” for me and I ended them so quickly. A part of me wonders if the autism, actually helped to bring me to Yoga, because relationships always seemed to be at risk of becoming horizontal, draining, etc.
I have a very generous vital, and enjoy healthy friendships, but when the relationship starts to feel like “too much,” that the other person is suffering or relying too much on me (codependency), I tend to withdraw rather quickly. (I have written to you previously about codependency.) I am wondering as I progress… what friendship in general will mean for me. I want to see friends as faces of the Divine and to bring them closer to their souls. But I do not want to rely on anyone. Sometimes, when I withdraw from someone because of their over-emotionality. I worry that the friends I do really trust and feel safe with, will withdraw from me. It seems like some vestige of the vital hanging on as I work through it.
I am not sure what I am asking. Maybe how you see autism, how it interfaces with the vital, with friendships, with difficult relationships, all within the Yoga…
I would not label you with autism, or for that matter, anything else. I have met a few people who are unable to handle excessive vital energy, not because of any weakness or narrowness, but simply because they were endowed with a simplicity and straightforwardness that is so rare in human beings. It is certainly a positive from the yoga point of view, as it keeps one straight on the track without deviating much under the swing of vital forces. The only thing is that it also makes one limited in terms of relationships and the fields of activities. But neither is essential and indispensable for life or Yoga. I feel you are capable of real, deep bonds, though you may not express them the way those who throw their emotions do. But the feelings are there, very deep and honest. The misunderstanding may be due to fewer expressions, but that hardly matters. Human beings hardly understand anyone who is not their type. But the Divine will understand and not only be with you but carry you through everything.
There is nothing wrong with you and there is no need to analyse yourself much. You are good just as you are and I am not saying these words to comfort, but simply as a truth that I see about you. Keep turning to the Mother as your friend and guide and She will take care of you in every way and lead you to your goal through the shortest path. Rely upon Her for everything and trust Her for all your outer and inner, including emotional needs and all will be well.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
