Then after almost a year of very little contact, he suddenly wanted to meet. Just two days before I was supposed to fly to see him, he confessed that he is married and has a daughter. He told me he doesn’t love his wife, that they have no physical relationship, and that he stays with her for their daughter, since she’s a good mother and takes care of her well. He admitted he had been selfish because he couldn’t stop thinking about me. He also said he has been with many women before, always for fun, and would ghost them — but with me, he couldn’t, because he started falling in love. He even told me that he had planned to ghost me after our first few meetings but couldn’t go through with it.
I was in shock, with brain fog, and couldn’t process what was happening — especially since I had started thinking of taking this relationship ahead. Despite knowing the truth, I still met him. He later told me that in the beginning, he had met me and gone out with me just for fun. I also found out that he hadn’t told me his real name and profession at first, saying it was because of the secrecy he needed to keep in Special Forces.
What surprises me is that after learning all of this, I wasn’t angry, nor did I ask him any questions. I just continued. And today, I find myself doubting who I am. Do I have no self-worth?
Even after all this, I continued seeing him a few more times. He keeps telling me he loves me but can’t leave his wife (though I never asked him to). It’s been 5 months since we last met, and while he spends time with his family, we continue texting. Right now, I know he is visiting his wife and daughter, then his parents and hometown — and in between, he is planning to come see me. Knowing this makes me feel a kind of emotional dirt inside me, like I am doing something very wrong, but I still can’t seem to let go.
I feel ashamed of myself for still being in this situation. I’ve tried leaving, blocking him, and cutting off contact many times — maybe 5 or 6 — but somehow, we always end up back in touch. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know where this path is leading me. No one knows about this except one of my friends, who suggested I open up here. He has even introduced me to his friends and taken me to a friend’s wedding, so his friends know. But from my side, only this one friend knows.
I don’t understand my own mindset — what kind of person I am, what I am looking for. I feel both sad and ashamed. It also hurts to see him with his wife and daughter. At the same time, when I see him with his daughter, I feel happy for them. It leaves me conflicted — happiness and sadness together. I seek light and also a guidance. Neither a therapy worked neither i am able to solve whats going ok my mind..
On the contrary it is always the sign of a great inner strength to be able to love even though it is evident that he won’t be able to fulfil your expectations. There is nothing to feel bad or ashamed or be guilty about it especially because you always had good intentions. It is the sign of a good-intentioned heart that you continue to feel love for him. Anways love never dies though it wears different forms, the darkest of which is jealousy, possessiveness and hate. It is to your credit that you have not allowed the angel of love to be sullied by these baser masks.
Nevertheless the man cannot be trusted and hence you must be clear that this relationship does not have the usual future or the conventional ending that ‘they lived together happily hereafter’ though very often such an ending hardly exists in marraige as well. In fact, in a way this experience is better than the one where one ties the knot of marraige and then suffers the knot of pain which is more often the case. So now you are free to make your well-informed choice. Either you can keep the flame of love burning with the fuel of sacrifice of personal desire or turn it elsewhere seeking what people usually seek in love, a happy togetherness. If you find it you would be among the luckiest ones. In any case celebrate your freedom and do not blame or depreciate yourself. What you are experiencing is a drop of true love which is so rare as such as it is most often found outside the format of social norms and rarely shows itself in typical marraige.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
