A couple of weeks ago I asked you about the problem of a long distance relationship. You encouraged me to continue it as it would give a chance of refining the relationship to a higher level without the bondage of marriage. Still, at this stage it feels like work, and there is little satisfaction that I feel. I realised we are so different that we have few things to talk about when we are not physically present with each other. Even other people told me that it’s obvious that I’m not in love with the girl, and if I was I wouldn’t be speaking in this way. It is mostly my idealism that made me commit to her in this way, because I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting her😥

I told her that I don’t feel the relationship currently giving any real value, but she desperately asked me to still give it a try for some time.

And yet, there is almost nothing in me which wants to continue the relationship on these terms. I would rather remain friends, but be open to meeting other people and not having this binding commitment to somebody I don’t even feel that strong of an attraction towards. Please tell me if I am egoistic or am I right in my thinking?

It is obvious that one should not engage in a relationship if one is not happy about it or doesn’t feel love. There is nothing like giving a try. That is done only in marraige, especially when one has a child. One tries then to at least keep a rag-tag togetherness for social and other reasons. But that is hardly a relationship.

Yes she will feel bad but perhaps it will save her from long term pain of being with someone who no more loves. Or else you can simply be friends, good friends who care for each other without necessarily being in love. In any case most relationships wear off after sometime especially if one is staying together or too near. Relationships have the best chance to flourish if there are spaces in their togetherness allowing each a certain degree of freedom. That is why long distance relationships, paradoxical though it may seem, have a better chance to flourish because it allows this space. Of course if the relationship is based on physical attraction and strong sexual desire then it is a different matter. But then that is not love and besides, it wears off even faster despite the nearness. In the end it is only love that can hold two people together regardless of distance. But yes love is very rare and for most relationship is simply transactional. 

Affectionately,

Alok Da