Despite Sri Aurobindo’s insistence that His path cannot be taken up with opening upto the light of the Mother, I’ve had a sense of smug dismissal towards her as if she’s someone who’d be appealing to some old ladies who’d do Bhajans in the Ashram and me, with my so-called “youthful vitalism,” need something else.
I spent some time amusing myself with the gigantic minds of Western philosophy like Kant, Hegel, but still, there’s something incomplete in all this. It’s only a few months back, fortunately, one day I happened to read a few pages of the Mother, and what a massive blow and punch to my face and all my being it has been.
First of all, what a sense of style and personality she has, what sharpness, clarity, humour, wisdom, and who’s more youthful and fresh than her. Kind of had tears over my past smug dismissal of her and can’t help but feel regret over all these years I’ve been ignoring her. All of my life up until this point seems vain, all the so-called World-Wisdom that elders and teachers have given me seems vain and all my philosophic amusement seems vain.
I’ve developed this smug intellectual ego that I can “understand” Sri Aurobindo, unlike many others and even that seems to be my illusion. It’s only after reading her that I’m coming to see and understand the heights and depths of his writings in a new light and clarity. It’s as if my so-called Spiritual/Philosophic seeking up until now seems like a fad and I have to begin all over again, but this time with the sense of opening and surrender to her. How do I deal with this regret of my past dismissal of her and this feeling of all these years as lost without her light, which is the doing of my own arrogance cos I am wondering what kind of progress I would have had if only didn’t have this dismissal of her earlier.
Now that you have understood that it is humility that opens the doors to knowledge. In fact, when the mind becomes quiet, then true knowledge begins to step in as sunlight enters a dark room lit with a candle and we begin to see everything afresh and new. Everyone who approaches the Divine by the power of the rational intellectual mind alone experiences this at some point if there was a genuine seeking behind the mere play of mental brilliance. It is indeed a Grace that you understood it so soon. There are people who struggle for decades, simply learning the inadequacy of the present intellectual mind when it approaches the Divine. I am both surprised and glad that you experienced this so soon and at your age. It is the sign of a special Grace and I am sure the Grace that has helped you to glimpse a little bit of the Mystery that the Mother is will take you further beyond the limits of the intellect where knowledge rests in silence and Wisdom wears the crown of Love. Sometimes the mind has to exhaust its play of mental brilliance before the true Light begins to dawn.
There is nothing to feel bad about the time lost and everything to feel happy about the future with its untold possibilities.
Affectionately
Alok Da
