Family asks me to “find someone” as if I’m the one who can just flip a switch and have someone wonderful enter my life and it’s not their comments that sting, but the feeling that I truly don’t have any option or agency to make it work even though I want to. I feel there’s no momentum or flow in my life or this area of my life. Even my career feels stuck and everything exhausts me. It’s been like this forever. I also don’t feel I’ve given myself permission to want romantic love let alone the mindsets to actually be able to receive it and I have so many things that I feel make me unfit for a relationship. I know it’s not the only thing that matters but at this point all I know is being single. I feel lonely and heavy all the time and cannot seem to give myself the peace I feel being seen and loved by someone else would. I keep hearing it all starts with self love, etc. and I do believe that nothing will be fulfilling unless I’m fulfilled in myself but I don’t know how much more I need to just be happy with myself while I feel so disconnected. It’s making me bitter and resentful— I can’t focus on anything else even though I logically know that’s wrong. I also recently had a little hope maybe for the first time in my life that someone liked me and even that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere and it’s brought my self confidence down further. Setting aside that they’re not even what I would ultimately want and I was negotiating with a fantasy just to give myself something to look forward to in a day. Not sure if this all makes sense.. would also appreciate if this could stay anonymous as a question. Thank you! I think I’m in a bit of a simmering panic.
It is a difficulty that many experience. Partly due to the cinema portrayal of an ideal relationship and partly due to an obsessive streak for perfection we want a Mr or Miss Perfect which doesn’t exist. Not that people are not good. There are plenty of good and wonderful people but they need not fit into our criteria of ‘perfect one’. But such a thing doesn’t exist. Even if someone is ‘perfect’ he or she may not be so according to our understanding or idea of it. And even if the person is just right at the moment, it may not be so after few years due to the evolutionary nature of life.
The problem is that the mind wants everything fixed and forever. But nothing is fixed in this world. Everything is moving, changing in so many ways. You will evolve, he will evolve and who knows where your paths will take you. The solution to this is neither doubts and overanalysis, nor fantasy and projection, but faith, faith in oneself, faith in destiny, faith in God.
Doubts paralyse us. They fill the mind when the mind seeks an absolute certainty. But such a thing does not and cannot exist except at the deepest Divine level. My advice therefore would be to cultivate faith rather than fear. Don’t make a check list about people or judge them by appearances. Trust in God and take the first step forward, then the next and so on and so forth. The first step for marriage is to let people know about your presence and readiness for marriage if you find the right (not perfect) partner. And keep your heart and eyes open to accept when you meet such a person.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
