It depends upon the perspective. If we mean by sexual adultery having physical relation without emotional involvement then it is obviously worse because it means that one was moved by nothing else but physical pleasure and sensual gratification. However if we look at it impersonally then neither Nature, nor God is likely to sanction ‘physical relation alone, sans emotional’ just because one is a legally wedded couple! In that case physical relation between husband and wife when one of the partner is either unwilling or no more emotionally engaged (for whatever reason) cannot find its ethical sanction even though it is not technically adultery. But hasn’t much of marriage actually become that or often ends up like that? Our hasty and presumptuous moral judgments and social acceptance apart, what does our heart’s deeper intuition, the seat of dharma, say?ย
On the other hand, if we regard emotional involvement (without sexual) it can no doubt create a great strain upon the partner left behind. But here again if we really take the facts into account then it will be found quite a universal phenomenon. Society has tried to integrate it by using specious terms to justify emotional relationships that almost verge on intimacy of a husband wife without the physical involvement. But the fact remains that it is much more common than we are perhaps aware of. Severe social restrictions may prevent it but it only means perpetuating a lie or a hypocrisy for the sake of society. Sri Aurobindo has an interesting aphorism to it.
‘To commit adultery with God is the perfect experience for which the world was created.
The Mother’s comment: This is the most perfect way in which Sri Aurobindo, with his marvellous sense of humour, could ridicule human morality. This sentence is a whole satire in itself.’
21 March 1970
We can remember the life of Radha as well as of Meera. They were not emotionally connected to their husbands and continued with him for the sake of duty. But duty is duty and is at best, only one aspect of love and not even its most important core.
Of course things are rarely as black and white as our mind believes them to be. Men generally get physically or vitally drawn and may end up being emotionally involved. On the other hand women are generally emotionally or intellectually drawn but may end up conceding physically. Human nature does not operate in a strictly compartmentalized way. Yet it is creditable that one who is emotionally drawn towards someone yet restrains physically because it may disturb the other person’s marital relationship. It shows a high type of humanity as different from those who are all into one night stands and casual flings which is actually worse than an animal. These shades need to be recognised, appreciated and even accepted. Mature couples do in fact understand it. There are others who look beyond the body and do not regard physical fidelity high on scales as far as mutual love is concerned.
The problem therefore lies in the way we perceive things. To force continue a relationship when love has passed away from the heart is at the root of these things. One has to therefore try to understand the real nature of love and harbouing and nurturing this most powerful force of love rather than passing social and moral injunctions or ego-driven judgments based on preconceived moral notions.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
