Seeing how my possessiveness and harshness inflicted pain on someone who already suffered immense trauma has served as an unsettling mirror to my internal flaws. I feel ashamed and confused about why these raw, ugly emotions have surfaced so aggressively during my spiritual pursuit. Is this sudden emergence of inner conflict and anger a sign that my yoga is moving in the wrong direction, or is it a necessary phase in confronting hidden aspects of the self to achieve genuine transformation?
What you need is to first grow the strong foundations. These foundations are needed in life as well as in yoga. The foundations required is to cultivate a certain degree of self-control, if not self-mastery. For example, a simple practice that one will not to speak under anger or on impulse; the practice of stepping back before rushing into conclusions and action; the practice of remaining inwardly quiet in the face of outer provocation, the practice of rejecting thoughts and emotions that are negative, egoistic and self-centered. Along with this, one should consciously cultivate discernment. The buddhi and the understanding should always be awake and like a beacon light, pointing us in the direction and the aim even when the physical mind and emotions are caught up in a wave of agitation. It is not easy, but with practice it becomes possible. One should keep calling peace and equanimity until nothing disturbs us. It is only on this solid foundation that Love and Joy and Power and Light of Knowledge can have their free and full play. Take this event as a reminder to build the foundation rather than rush either towards God or plunge oneself into the abyss of despair.
Without this strong and solid foundation, one remains subject to all kinds of forces that are always on the watch to disrupt and dislocate us using the weak spots in our nature to turn all our spiritual and even worldly efforts into a labour of Sisyphus. Even concentration on the subject of studies is difficult if the mind and heart are not at peace. And the biggest disturbance to our peace comes from anger, sex and fear. Try to get rid of these things and pray to the Grace to help you.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
