Even though I reject it, but after a point I succumb to it even though I know it is wrong, seems like lower nature just takes over, which makes me feel so bad. Also, sometimes guilt tries to take over me because of these relapses. As far as I know seems like it is my vital, which is not yet converted and acting as an obstacle in the sadhana.
This division in my being is the root of all obstacles on the path; it is so much disturbing and disheartening to me. It makes me feel that I am not able to be faithful and sincere towards Mother and Sri Aurobindo. These falls make me realize how limited our efforts are; ultimately, it is the Mother’s Grace which can free me from all this, so I am praying to the Mother to mend this division in my being. Dada, please guide me on how to navigate through this passage.
This division is in everybody. It is by sadhana that one becomes one-pointed. It takes long time. Faith, sincerity, aspiration and surrender hastens the process. Depression, guilt, doubts, frustration make the process more complicated and longer.
Open to the Mother and call Her Name inwardly. Persevere and endure with faith. All will change in due course of Time.
Affectionately
Alok Da
