But last year, I met a guy, and we started talking a lot about everything—life, our thoughts, our feelings, everything. And somewhere along the way, my perspective changed. I now feel that I am ready for it, and that we both are ready to take that step. The thing is, we are not going to get married. There are certain circumstances and family issues on both sides that make marriage very unlikely. So, for us, it would simply be something that we both consciously choose to experience together.
But this is where my real fear begins. My father has had deep experiences and realizations related to the Divine Mother, and he has always been someone who somehow senses things before they are openly known. He seems to pick up things through his subconscious or subtle consciousness, sometimes even through subtle indications or intuitions.
And that scares me. I keep thinking—what if I do have a physical relationship with this guy and somehow my father comes to know about it? What would happen then? How would I deal with that? That is the part I am struggling with the most.
These are three different things that must be seen each in its own right.
Firstly, sex and yoga: as far as most yogas are concerned, including Sri Aurobindo’s Yoga, sex is seen as an obstacle. This is not so much because of moral reasons but simply because spiritual life means turning the consciousness and vital energy higher upwards and deeper. Sex, on the other hand, pulls it outwards and downwards. This is so because of the pull towards the body. Bodily and vital pleasures are at crossroads with the higher aspiration and spiritual Ananda.
Marriage or no marriage makes no difference to the effect of sex. However, marriage helps stabilise the energy by a regular samyama, restraint and restricted expression with the aim of eventually getting mastery over it. This is possible if both the partners are on the same path and understand the higher needs of each other. In simple words, marriage is a social necessity to regulate the sexual urge and prevent the tendency towards multiple partners, which means intermingling of different types of consciousness that can be quite damaging to the inner being.
The third factor is about your father coming to know about it. Frankly, I don’t see why both of you cannot get married if you love each other. That would be the simplest and easiest and in which case there is no problem involving your parents. But if, for some reason, you cannot get married, then the relationship is likely to bring pain in the long run, as the door once opened, the hunger will come up again and it may not be easy to meet. The sexual behavior of male is often quite different from the female of any species. The degree of emotional interest comes down in the man while it increases in the woman. This affects the equation of love between the two. Besides, other complications may enter, especially for the girl; for example, an unwanted conception. It is for these reasons that sex before marriage has been discouraged, especially for women. The reason is not spiritual but social and physical. Yes, parents or other close relations do come to know, not necessarily through intuition but because of the subtle but obvious changes in behavior.
Look carefully, reflect and then make a conscious choice. I may add that true love has little to do with sex, which is rather an evolutionary burden from the animals. If one can love truly without necessarily the sexual involvement, then that is the best from every point of view.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
