My family atmosphere is not very harmonious and there are constant fights between my parents for very tiny things, but this is something I have dealt with for all my life. I feel completely suffocated and miserable around here, I have at times hoped that things may change in future but they never did. Above all my mom has for years been dealing with extreme health issues from spinal cord to overall health. I have mostly stayed away from this atmosphere because of my studies and work, but since I have come home I am having to experience this again.
My mom however is much better than my father emotionally, she actually feels deeply hurt and helpless because of his actions. I am right now looking for work and trying to find something to sustain myself and so that I can move from this place as soon as possible. I am trying again and again and failing again and again. I am actually starving emotionally and mentally and have had thoughts of ending it all, multiple times in life. Sometimes I just spend hours breaking down to a point where nothing feels real and I lose complete sense of me.
I never even wished for a “perfect” life, I was denied the bare minimum emotional engagement from my parents and everyone, since I was a child, because of their own conflicts and lower consciousness.
I wanted something more from life since these past few years, and not in terms of material life, I wanted to figure out the whole point of it all. This spark I had within me or the urge to find the truth and my inner being. I encountered mother’s organ music for the first time in 2025 and had felt this extreme comfort listening to that. I felt the sense of familiarity and presence and love and assurance which told me no child, it is not over for you yet — so what even if you feel abandoned by everyone around you. I am there with you holding your hand. I used to go in retreat once a day by myself and trying to reflect within.
But yeah since then I have had the grace of her to be able to go to her ashram and samadhi. But life started to happen again and I ended up losing my job and coming all the way back to my place. But even in this intense extreme atmosphere I never left remembering her. But these past couple of months I have completely lost my energy to even survive and feel anything. I feel like I am drained and left to suffer in the loneliness with a chaotic atmosphere.
This is what has led me to think whether whatever I felt or lived was an illusion or whether mother has completely given up on me because of my insincerities and brutal reactions. I literally tore off one of her pictures this last week
during a complete breakdown after me failing a test I was so hopeful of clearing and I quit your group too da. This was obviously an complete emotional outburst of a person who is just trapped in his room all the time. But there is a patter whenever I do something like this there is a direct pull I feel towards her again, without even thinking anything. I feel this calming sensation within my heart that is telling me that it’s alright, I am here regardless of your bad reactions.
I have never ever opened up all this to anyone in such a way and I had thought of sending this to you personally but here I am. I am sorry for my reactions. I am still trying and trying hard to survive and not give up.
Love.
Yes, I understand. Life can be quite challenging at times. But once one navigates through it then there is born a real hero. There is no difficulty, inner or outer that cannot be eventually overcome by the Grace. But we have to hold on to faith and endure the passage. My prayers are with you and I am sure the storms will be over and new and unexpected openings towards happier horizons will come.
I would like to meet you when you come next. Do stay in touch.
With prayers and Her Love to hold and carry you through it all.
Alok da
