Two things have been happening more since the last few months:
1. Every night and morning (just when I start to wake up), I feel a deep longing for Mother and Sri Aurobindo and sadness that I cannot be with Them… I call them intensely just when I am about to wake up. This is especially true when I have a tough day at work and I am dreading or fearing something. I call them fervently. I see myself in my mind’s eye crouched at Mother’s feet, holding Her Knees and burying my face in her lap (She is seated in a chair). I feel sad… when will I get to Her and find my psychic being (given my current state). This brings me to the next point.
2. I struggle with vanity… this feeling that I am better than others, while the very opposite also I feel often. I flip-flop often. Not that I am useless, but I am not enough and don’t get it right…everyone else gets it, but I don’t. Separately, I am increasingly seeing, for the last few weeks, flaws in me quite obviously. I acknowledge them, try to show them to the Mother and ask Her to take everything away that stands between Her and me. But it also makes me realise how far I am from being ready to meet Her, especially because these days I also feel more lost than ever. What am I doing and where is all this going?
This is just the right way, to recognise what needs to change and then offer them to Her with the aspiration for the needed change, especially the urge to draw closer and closer to Her. The rest will follow inevitably. She has surely accepted your surrender. Whatever else is needed will be done. Keep yourself open to Her with the right attitude and all else will be done.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
