I am reminded that all despondency should be rejected. But still, Alok da, because of want of some grand intiationary spiritual experience, I think some parts of me are not satisfied, and there’s a nagging question somewhere inside that pops up like this. I will do my best to reject it and try to continuously improve myself and pray.
Very beautiful attitude. I can fully understand the need for some decisive experience that pops up from time to time.
The decisive experiences however come first as glimpses that often go unnoticed because the mind has conceived of them in certain ways. States of peace, of a sudden inner clarity (your letter itself is such an experience of clarity springing up from within), the fleeting sense of the Divine Presence in Nature in a certain circumstance whence one feels the surge of beauty and joy, the longing and the bhakti, all these and many more touches prepare us for the definitive experiences. They are bound to touch and go, then stay a little longer like the waxing and waning of the moon, and finally settle down when a basic sufficient purification is over. It takes time depending upon the sincerity of the practice and the absolute absoluteness of the surrender.
The real decisive experiences are always reserved for the end when there is enough purity to ensure that the ego self is completely subjugated and nature is ready to bear its impact without getting destabilised.
Finally of course the only experience worth it all is a constant and conscious union with the Divine Mother in every way. That is an act of Her Grace. We can only give ourselves to Her more and ever more.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
