Focusing above the head, calling peace of the Mother… The body reacts; it cannot contain it. It spills out the physical energy… And hence everything is lost. And it requires a lot of effort to regain what is lost or seems lost. I don’t feel like eating a lot. I can’t.
In college, I barely have my meals at the right time or have full Meals. Without the physical strength, I don’t think I will advance in the Sadhna. Because sexuality is so much dominating in my being that It’s a big, big challenge.
Sadhana is not done by personal effort alone. Always there is the Grace behind and the whole trick is to rely more and more upon the Divine Grace for which nothing is impossible, even while putting in whatever little personal effort one should. The idea of unfitness is a ploy of the hostile forces and should not be entertained. Here are some letters of Sri Aurobindo on the subject.
‘In sadhana it is not by the personal capacity that things are done. It is the Divine Power that works and if one makes oneself its instrument, even what is impossible for the personal capacity can be done.
It is useless to raise the question of fitness. No one is fit—for all human beings are full of faults and incapacities—even the greatest sadhaks are not free. It is a question only of aspiration, of believing in the divine Grace and letting the Divine work in you, not making a refusal.
It is difficult to say that any particular quality makes one fit or the lack of it unfit. One may have strong sex impulses, doubts, revolts and yet succeed in the end, while another may fail. If one has a fundamental sincerity, a will to go through in spite of all things and a readiness to be guided, that is the best security in the sadhana.
Fitness for Yoga is a very relative term—the real fitness comes by the soul’s call and the power to open oneself to the Divine. If you have that, you have the fitness, and your past actions cannot stand in the way: the past cannot bind the future. Of course, you have to finish with it, reject it and turn into the new ways—otherwise the past remains the present. But that is the question of the will in you and the soul’s call. If you are faithful to your soul’s call there is no reason why you should not be able to do Yoga. All that you have to do is to keep your aspiration and not lose the inner connection that has been made—then the Mother’s thought and the help will be with you and you will find your way.
You speak of your possible unfitness, but it is not a question of fitness or unfitness. There is nobody who can go on in his own strength or by right of his fitness to the goal of the sadhana. It is only by the Divine Grace and reliance on the Divine Grace that it can be done. It is in a strength greater than your own that you must put your first and last reliance. If your faith falters you have to call on that to sustain you; if your force is insufficient against the ill-will and opposition that surround you, open yourself to receive that force in its place.’
(Ref. https://incarnateword.in/cwsa/29/the-call-and-the-capacity)
Affectionately,
Alok Da
