Guruma always encouraged everyone to remain devoted to Gurudev. But ever since Gurudev accepted me into his shelter, he gave me signs to read Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. Then about four months ago, Guruma called me to her and said, “I will enter your life on my own.”
Two months after that, she gave another signal, and I went to meet her. Then she said, “From now on, put me ahead.” And ever since Guruma came into my life, I’ve been having dreams about you, feeling deep love for Savitri, and divine love for The Mother—as if my whole life has become centered around this.
Even after Guruma’s arrival, during meditation, the mantra “Om Anandamayi Chaitanyamayi Satyamayi Parame” began to arise. After she came into my life, I started having the visions I shared with you, even those involving Krishna.
So now I see Divine Mother as Guruma; I meditate upon her, and everything seems to be happening through that connection. To my knowledge, Guruma has never told anyone to place her ahead, which is why doubts continue to trouble me. I wonder if I’m somehow wrong. At one point, I even stopped watching your videos and reading Savitri—but my heart starts crying just hearing your voice a little, and I long to read Savitri again. Then I wonder, am I going against my devotion? Gurudev never told anyone this, so why is this happening with me?
Long ago, Gurudev once appeared in a dream and said to me, “Son, no one knows what is happening.”
Will you guide me better, Dada? Everything feels full of doubts right now. Please say what’s truly in your heart—what the Divine Mother makes you feel, with clarity. Because I don’t think I can leave my Mother. But I feel just as much love for Savitri, and I hold immense gratitude in my heart for Sri Aurobindo and The Mother—something I can’t put into words. I’m tired of trying to explain things to myself.
The true basis of the relationship between the Guru and the disciple is the seeking of Truth or Wisdom and Light. This seeking formulates itself in the form of an aspiration and the Guru answers this aspiration by a pouring in of Light and Knowledge that dispels the darkness of ignorance.
Though emotional attachment, intellectual admiration, a kind of attraction and liking can be there, but they are not sufficient in themselves. The bond has to be deeper. What you need to find out is not which Guru you must primarily rely upon, but what exactly you are seeking. If your present Guru satisfies your seeking and answers your deepest aspiration, then not only is there no need to change or shift, but there would in fact be no such conflict. The fact that your mind is turning towards Sri Aurobindo is because something in you finds or intuitively feels that the complete answer to your seeking can be found there only. In fact, when you shared with me your aspiration, then only it became evident that only Sri Aurobindo can fulfill this. It is quite likely that your Guru himself recognises this greater seeking in you and knows that it is only Sri Aurobindo and the Mother who can fulfill it and hence he has been directing you towards him through these signs. After all, it is not so much the outer form and personality of the Guru but the Divine within him who leads and helps by renewing the contact with the Divine Presence in the disciple. The rest is a matter of time and circumstance and each one’s unique journey.
So if you feel your aspiration, then there would be no conflict and your transition from the present Guru to Sri Aurobindo and the Mother would seem so natural and inevitable. But if you remain tied to the outer name and form of the Guru, then the conflict will be difficult to resolve. Look behind the form to the One Divine Presence that you are seeking and all your conflict will be solved.
As to my guiding you, my role is not that of a Guru but of a brother and friend upon the Path, an elder brother, dada, who draws all light and strength from Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. They are the Source of all the help, if any, that goes through me.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
