After my elder sister’s marriage and later my own marriage, my faith gradually deepened. Meanwhile, a sense of dissatisfaction and intolerance began to appear in my younger brother’s behaviour. Over time, this developed into anger and aggression, which even my wife found impossible to cope with.
Gradually, the impact of my brother’s behaviour affected not only our parents but every member of the family. Hoping that marriage would bring maturity and a positive change in his attitude, our parents arranged his marriage. Unfortunately, instead of improving, his feelings of resentment, intolerance, and hostility became even more intense.
The entire family had to endure this painful situation. Eventually, I had to leave our family business because it became impossible to continue working with him. At that stage of my life, I had no choice but to take a job in a private company. As the years passed, both our parents left this world. Sadly, there was no improvement in the relationship between my brother and me. On the contrary, it deteriorated further. I made every possible effort to preserve our relationship, but I was repeatedly met with distrust, suspicion, and a constant sense of rivalry from his side.
One significant aspect of this entire journey is that although our faith, devotion, and reverence for the Mother and Sri Aurobindo had once become dim, they have gradually grown much stronger again. During this time, our children also grew up. They have witnessed and understood everything, yet there has been no healing in our family relationships.
Both of us speak about the teachings of the Mother and Sri Aurobindo with great intellectual maturity and often quote Their words. However, neither of us has been able to bring about the inner transformation that those teachings demand. As a result, the home that was once dedicated to the Mother and Sri Aurobindo now stands emotionally divided into two parts.
I completely understand your situation. Unfortunately, it is far too common and a problem quite universally. An ancient saying goes that children of the same family are rarely born under the same roof. The family is a beginning and a base but most of us turn it almost into a goal. Each soul brings its own destiny. Two persons living in the same house need not have the same degree of inner evolution. They may be not only in different stages of inner development but also very different in temperament and inner constitution. That is why Nature, in her deep wisdom, has broken the joint family system. For all its seeming advantages, it greatly hampered the evolution of the individual. A whole life was spent adjusting to the demands of the family, leaving little room, energy and scope for further progress. Even the Gita reminds that the roots of creation are above and our true identity is that we are all children of the One Divine. That is how we should relate and connect with each other, as children of the Divine Mother. It is the Divine Mother who is carrying each one along the lines prepared by the unique past and towards the unique future of each person. Staying away allows that much-needed space for each one to grow and evolve along their own lines. And if one of the family members is toxic in nature and unwilling to understand the needs of others, then it is best to stay away and interact less and less. Doesn’t Ramayana, our most ancient and revered scripture, give us the same message. Vibhishana, Hanuman ji, Bharat, even Lakshman all left their immediate family comfort and togetherness for the greater good and their life’s greater purpose. Didn’t Buddha do the same. And is this not the teaching of Sri Krishna also: that Truth is much more important than family happiness. Of course it is best if the members of the family are all advancing together towards a high common goal. But this is extremely rare and even when the goal is the same, the approach is often very different.
As to faith, a faith that depends upon outer circumstances and situations is no faith but a transactional relationship with the Divine where one believes that if one believes in God then God is duty-bound to look after the person regardless of everything that one does. Such a belief, apart from being illogical and absurd, is hardly faith. Faith is a torchlight meant to show us the way to the Divine. But then one has to still walk the way with the help of aspiration and sincerity. It is not enough to have faith that the Divine is there. One must discover Him, even grow one with Him. That is what yoga is meant to lead us to. Faith is a powerful starting point, a very precious treasure, but there are other powers needed if one wants to walk the way. Reading is alright, but the reading must be translated into practice; otherwise it loses its value. One may read everything about the sea and the swimming and yet drown if one has not dared to enter the water and practice what one has read. Unfortunately, this gap between talking about the path and walking the way is very common and it is one of the causes of suffering. It comes to remind us to put into practice what we have read.
It is perhaps this that is happening. All this is happening to remind us the real purpose of our life which is certainly much higher than mere family togetherness and the temporary happiness it may bring. Get rid of the inner attachment and life will blossom by Her Grace.
Affectionately,
Alok da
