I struggle to discern whether this drive stems from my true swabhava or a masked ego, especially when seeing others lead triggers resentment and impatience toward the Divine for denying me similar opportunities. I feel torn between this ambition and guilt over being selfish when my aspiration should be pure service. How do I genuinely surrender this desire for leadership to the Mother, and how can I resolve this inner conflict between personal drive and spiritual offering?
As you can see yourself it is a play of ambition and desires. The more you press towards it, the more it will frustrate you. Since you have chosen for a higher life, the Mother probably wants you to turn away from this blind rat race, to which we often give nice, acceptable terms such as leadership, etc whereas behind it all there is the play of ambition trying to prove one’s superiority. You are not meant for this. You are meant for something much higher. So take the higher call and let work become your means to come closer to the Divine. Leave it to Her to decide what position and place you should occupy. All the rest are temporary passing things that do not last.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
