I feel so petty asking this of you, and it frustrates me: how did a relationship become such a big thing to me and destroyed me. Since the start of this relationship, this person held very radical views about sex, attachment, and relationships. He used to discuss this with me again and again: that he neither believes in monogamy nor polygamy; he used to say that if sex happens naturally out of love, even with someone else outside of the relationship, it doesn’t destroy the love between us, and love has nothing to do with sex.
I accepted all of these ideas as they seemed sensible to me. But when I got deeply involved with him sexually, emotionally and psychologically, I didn’t like him saying those things. And eventually I ended up fighting and reacting even at small instances where I would see him flirting with other girls, saying ‘I love you’, calling ‘baby’, or joking about having sex very casually.
Even at that point, I tried to understand my jealousy and thought, if I feel loved by this person, why should it become a problem. Later, I noticed his diminished interest in talking to me, and it made my doubts and insecurities flare up in many ways. Whenever I tried to communicate this with him, he just said that it’s a result of my mindless behaviour with him and if I have to be with him, I should only care about ending jealousy, fear and insecurity.
For a few months, I have constantly tried to solve this, make this work, but I’m not able to handle it intelligently. Due to constant distress and anxiety, my mind also chatters continuously. I’m not able to sleep. And sometimes I get too panicked and the only thing that relieves me is talking to this person. Please guide me: what should be my right action and decision to help myself? If this person is behaving with me in ways that are hurting and disappointing me again and again, should I consider it Divine Mother’s will and let him go?
I know you’ve abilities through which you can see and understand even what I’m not conveying, so please help me move in the right direction, no matter how hard it is; I’ll take it. I just wish to change my life from this pathetic state. As soon as my family becomes stable, I really wish to join Isha Foundation or come to Sri Aurobindo Ashram and work towards ending this suffering.
You don’t need to join an Ashram to end this suffering, which is primarily due to a gross mismatch between mutual expectations. Not going into the deeper dynamics, he doesn’t seem to be capable of a stable and strong relationship with one person. This is a reality. If you continue with him, it will be an open-ended relationship, which is becoming more common these days due to the changing norms and patterns of the society itself. On the one hand, it becomes quite painful to someone who is seeking a beautiful psychic togetherness where fidelity, loyalty, sincerity counts. This has always been very rare. Most often, couples continue together due to social pressures which do not work anymore, especially in a relationship where there is no external binding factor such as marriage. Love alone is seldom so strong and true so as to be able to hold two people together in complete freedom. On the other hand, an open relationship allows personal freedom to explore life and interests without any binding to any person. It is fast becoming the norm now because the stress of Nature is on developing the individuality. Hence, the social fetters have been removed. It is dangerous, no doubt, and many will collapse towards an animal state, as seems to be happening here with the man you describe. But some will go through and cross over towards a greater freedom and conscious choices.
Right now it will be best to direct this relationship into a friendship without sexual indulgence. Just a healthy friendship and sharing so that you have your complete space to explore and discover yourself until someone truer and nearer to your deeper self walks into your life with the workings of destiny.
Affectionately
Alok Da
