To be a good mom is at once simple and natural as well as difficult.
It is easy because Nature has given to all higher animals especially birds, mammals and human beings a maternal instinct that helps a mother understand the child’s true needs and the right responses that she needs to make. One has to feel for this natural instinct within.
But due to changing times and new challenges, motherhood has become difficult and complex.
The first thing to understand is that there is always a subtle umbilical cord connected between a mother and child through which children quickly pick up all the positive and negative qualities in a mother, including her hopes, anxieties, fears, depression, anger, as well as wisdom, courage, calm, confidence, love and all the rest. So parents, especially a mother, should be careful about her thoughts and feelings since, even if hidden and unexpressed, they do influence the child. To work upon oneself is to help the child.
Secondly, there has to be a healthy balance between care, which, if overdone, may lead to dependency, especially after 5 to 10 years of age, and a relative degree of freedom that has to be slowly given to a child from 5 to 10 years onwards. The first freedom should be that the child should be able to start taking basic physical care of himself under the mother’s supervision. Especially inculcating good habits of cleaning oneself, bathing, brushing and getting ready on time, taking his meals should be started early.
Next stage from 5 to 15 should be equipping the child psychologically to take the challenges of life, take care of his material things, learn to self-discipline, set his time for various activities and be able to deal with critical remarks from outside as well as inner conflicts. He should develop the sporting spirit and be able to take successes and failures in his stride. Exposure to stories and one’s own example works best here.
After 15, there should be independence, but under tacit supervision so that the child keeps track. During this period, one should look out for any sudden changes in behaviour. The child has to be taught handling the moods and biological changes due to hormones. A congenial atmosphere of love and compassion with free discussions should be the way here. After 10, there should be rational discussions rather than impositions. Boundaries need to be drawn, but only to be slowly expanded as they grow up.
It is important to realise that children acutely observe us and tend to quickly absorb and emulate our behaviour. Self-control and self-respect are therefore keys to helping children control their unwanted behaviours. Equally, it is important to transmit cultural values as it helps them stay rooted to the soil as well as in touch with their higher parts. However, here too, free discussions where needed is the way rather than imposition.
Finally, an atmosphere of peace and love and harmony at home goes a long way to shape a child’s character and personality. No violence or fear, but firmness where needed and plenty of love without the sugar coating of over-indulgence in harmful pleasures and desires will go a long way in helping the child.
Affectionately,
Alok da.
