I see that Progress is an important value for me and moving towards it has always guided my actions. Though the meaning of progress has changed through life and now I see Progress as the movement towards the truth within (which feels very close to what I perceive as Divine wisdom, love, beauty etc could be). This yearning for progress, for a long duration, came from the place of scarcity and drive for perfection – how can I be / get what I don’t have. For last two years, I feel shifts are coming and I am healing psychologically and growing spiritually. Still emotions of shame/embarrassment/guilt exist in outer nature and from deep within also I feel like I am not living the life I am supposed to and a yearning of a full and fulfilling life comes. The phrase “fullness of life” which I found in SOY just felt very close and stayed. So I started pursing a humble aspiration to move towards a full/fulfilling life (and I may not fully understand what will enable this sense from within). However, I have seen that in this movement towards progress over the years, I am always focused on myself and I am actually not available for others in my openness with an open heart . The fullness of life to me also means that I am full within and able to give and be with others with open heart. At other times, another thought comes that why I need to pursue this goal of finding fullness in life, I should try to see fullness in the life that is.
Individual progress, in whatever direction, often comes at the expense of the shared social life around us unless those closely connected also have the same urge and are ready to support each other. This is even more so if it is towards high aims which the average humanity does not understand or sympathize with. Whatever it be, once the thirst for progress has become conscious it is neither possible nor desirable to stifle it. This may look selfish outwardly especially to people who have their own demands and expectations from you but in fact our deepest urge must be pursued regardless. The aspiration and will to progress is a veiled reflection of God’s Will in us and must be followed, whatever the price one may have to pay. If the urge is towards some higher goal then one should be prepared to be misunderstood.
Of course this does not mean one should not love or care but nothing should be made more important than the aim one has placed before oneself. In fact the greater good of people with whom one is connected also lies in this. Since each person fulfilling his highest possibility makes humanity richer by that much and inspires others. The challenge will be time so the way to balance personal goals and social responsibilities is to cut off all those activities that do not add value to life or to the care for others. These are activities pursued mainly for gross and often degrading pleasures such as parties, gossip, meaningless obligations and wasteful socialization. So too with self loathing and guilt. Errors and mistakes are inevitable in a life of ignorance. One should learn one’s lessons and bring the needed change and then move on. This way one can save time and use it wisely for personal progress as well as fulfilling the genuine duties and responsibilities with regard to the various roles in our life. And these too should be the indispensable ones especially towards those who directly depend upon us.
Does it imply a lack of love? It may seem so to the ordinary human eye that is full of all kinds of expectations. But in truth the energy of love is directed towards higher pursuits. How else can one seek any kind of self fulfillment? If one does not do so then the love one may give to others will be of a very limited ordinary kind and will be always pulled behind by expectations and dependencies because an incomplete person does not really love. He seeks completeness in others and hence builds a relationship of mutual dependency. But love is an uncalculating giving of oneself. It is not dependency or a vital emotional hunger. Only those who are fulfilled within and need nothing can truly love.
That brings to the last and most important part of your seeking, that is self fulfillment. To fulfill oneself does not mean to fulfill the egoistic individual or the desire self. These things can never be fully satisfied and often increase the sense of something missing the more we pursue them. To seek their satisfaction is like trying to fill a blind bottomless well. The more you have the more you begin to want in one way or the other. Self fulfillment is indeed a valid highest goal of mankind but it means the engulfment of our highest self. And when we thus fulfill ourselves we open to infinite riches by opening to the Infinite. Quite naturally then we can share in abundance with those around and willing to receive the inner wealth that comes with fullness. The way towards it lies in pursuing the higher spiritual life, in the discovery of our true self and dedicating our life to the Divine.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
