I have desire and fear that covered up the small aspiration to love, and that is why I feel this has happened. But this is not the truth deeper within anybody, and I want to have beautiful feelings and thoughts and to love spontaneously. Everyone has truth and love within them, why should I cover it up with a scared imitation of the actual thing? I think I am not yet that open to Mother and Sri Aurobindo. I don’t need to try impose but to discover the true love that is within everyone because the Mother is present in everyone. Instead of trusting that, I try to take support of pretense and rules.
I desire to be a certain way because of insecurity. It is this desire and fear that prevent me from being true. I do what I do not as a heartfelt offering, but with the expectation that I’ll be secure as an admirable person and have a sweet relationship without spontaneously giving myself. I did not bring joy to those around me, instead I have brought sorrow and worry.
However, it isn’t important how I am. I won’t feel bad about it, I will think about what I can give. I’m happy and grateful to have the opportunity to try and learn to love, and to learn about Mother and Sri Aurobindo and genuinely connect with Them. I’m very grateful to know about you and interact with you.
We are all made up of different parts that pull in different directions and hence it is quite common to have certain self-contradictory elements within oneself. True, one has to recognise them and offer to the Mother with a sincere will to change. With patience and perseverance what is seemingly difficult today becomes possible tomorrow. What is most important are the will and faith, the will that pushes towards the change one aspires for and the faith that with the Mother’s Grace there is nothing that is impossible. One has to keep aspiring and surrendering and the change is bound to come one day.
Affectionately,
Alok Da
