Additionally, when worldly disappointments and anxieties trigger self-doubt, I reassure myself that Sri MA is in control, but a subtle unease often lingers. Am I genuinely surrendering through these mental reminders, or am I unintentionally engaging in spiritual bypassing? I would deeply appreciate your guidance on cultivating true sincerity through these inner conflicts.
What you are doing and experiencing is remarkable for your age. It is a sign that you are connecting the psychic threads of your past life into the present. Your aspiration to be Her instrument is the further extension of this inner psychic link, opening the doors to the future when the time is ripe.
The remembrance and the offering does become mechanical from time to time. That is not faking it. It simply means that the layer that is touched is not yet conscious of the Divine Presence. By continuing to remember and offer, you will surely grow conscious in these parts.
It is beautiful to have this aspiration to be Her vessel and instrument. The awakening of the aspiration is itself a sign that it has been granted. But now the preparation has to take place. That is what you are experiencing. The recurrence of anxiety and sadness, etc happens when these parts are touched by the Light and awaken them to the Call. By persisting in your aspiration and refusing to entertain these moods, the whole nature will be prepared to become Her vessel.
Try to incorporate one thing in your practice, – it is equanimity under the different circumstances and situations of life. Equanimity is the strong foundation to be a good vessel.
Do read something from Sri Aurobindo and The Mother every day and do physical exercises to make the vessel strong. I would like to meet you when you come here. Do let me know whenever you plan.
With The Mother’s Love
Alok da
