And the more I feel all of this within myself, the more distant I feel from the essence of love, and I feel deep down that there is no fundamental truth in this relationship. We are one way one moment and something else the next. I don’t even believe that she will stay with me, even though she says she will. But even behind her words, I only sense an emotional truth; I don’t feel any deep spiritual truth in it.We talk very little these days. She is completely engrossed in her studies, and even when I say something, she doesn’t pay any attention to it, nor does she try to understand anything I say. It’s just “I did this,” “I did that.”Three days ago, I had two dreams. In one, we were together (intimacy), and I was trying to hug her, but she was pushing me away. Then, immediately after that, I had another dream where we were talking, and then a girl said to me, “Why does she get so annoyed when they tell her to meet you?”Dada, in reality, she doesn’t say anything like that. She just says, “I’m doing all this for both of us, and we have to stay together forever.” But I feel a great distance inside, and I don’t feel any kind of involvement. Dada, how do I understand all of this? What is happening? Is it just my inner fear, some negativity, or something else?
It is a conversion of consciousness leading to a reversal, a very positive thing. You are no more the same person because of the inner shift from being completely involved and identified with the forces of ignorance to a being surrendered to the Mother which changes the old way of understanding and responding to things. When this happens the old associations, attachments that seemed so true and real seem to feel distant and sometimes just fall away.
This shift has not yet taken place in khusboo. She still imagines the life of truth, the true spiritual life as a slightly better but yet a prolongation of the life of ignorance. It is to be seen if the force of human love can push her through. If it could bring the decisive shift as has happened in you then she could walk with you. If not then walking together will only burden each other. Whatever way her destiny unfolds it cannot and should not be enforced by human will. One has to wait and see, and if one feels, pray and hope. But in any case the association should not come in the way of your growing aspiration and surrender to the Divine Mother. Rest should be left at the Mother’s Feet and her soul’s choice and readiness.
Affectioanately,
Alok Da
